


Thoughts of You Subside (Then I Get Another Letter)

by ColdwaughterWoes (TrickyMxtape)



Series: First Chapters [3]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, I apologise for every single part of this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, This is just an exercise in pain, Yes even the shitshow of a finale, letter writing, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:40:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21593215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrickyMxtape/pseuds/ColdwaughterWoes
Summary: He knew Eliot cared for him, in his way, but Quentin was full of words unsaid and had almost an entire notepad to work with… as well as the vague memory of a movie he and Julia watched when they were twelve.With each letter Quentin wrote, he held a little less of himself back. The realisation had dawned that Eliot couldn’t really reject him more than he already had, and anything Quentin needed to say had to be written or Eliot would never know.
Relationships: Margo Hanson & Eliot Waugh, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Series: First Chapters [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1490732
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	Thoughts of You Subside (Then I Get Another Letter)

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently when I'm not feeling so great, I write shit like this. I'm so sorry. This was painful and also not very well written as I scrawled it all into a notebook to work my way through a panic attack while in public... so, yeah. Also, I didn't think I would ever write anything compliant to That episode. I still cry at pictures of Q. I couldn't rewatch it, so there maybe be many things wrong. I, like this version of Quentin, barely remember anything about P.S. I Love You... I read the book and I watched the movie. Yes, the title comes from Hamilton.

**Day One**

Quentin slid his back down the door until he was crouched above the floor. He didn’t want to be fighting with his friends, but they needed to understand that he was ready for this stage of the quest. He wouldn’t enjoy being away from them all, and the guilt of not being around for his dad when… No, he couldn’t focus on that. Multiple worlds needed magic to return and choosing to take Ora’s place in the castle makes sense for him now. That his friends couldn’t see that frustrated Quentin to no end. While a part of him wanted to burst back out and continue trying to make them all see sense, instead he finds himself moving to his desk. Pulling a pen and paper, he started writing a letter to his dad. He wanted him to know that he was sorry. Not for bringing back magic, but that he wouldn’t be able to be with him. 

As he finished, Quentin folded the letter and put it somewhere likely to be spotted when his friends returned, then turned to write one to them as well. He wanted to say all the things that got caught up on his tongue or ended up getting lost in the many side stories he added to his ramblings, which added context but often made it … difficult for some of his friend group to stick it out to the end. So he’d explain his actions and make sure they all knew he cared for them. 

With that letter placed beside the first, he found he still had more to say. Not to everyone, just…

He knew Eliot cared for him, in his way, but Quentin was full of words unsaid and had almost an entire notepad to work with… as well as the vague memory of a movie he and Julia watched when they were twelve.

With each letter Quentin wrote, he held a little less of himself back. The realisation had dawned that Eliot couldn’t really reject him more than he already had, and anything Quentin needed to say had to be written or Eliot would never know.

-

Quentin was startled by a knock on the door and Josh called through the door, “It’s time to storm the castle!”  
  
“I’ll be down soon!” Quentin shouted in response, staring at the page he was currently scrawling upon. 

_This is my final letter, Love. I hope you have loved and lived to the fullest of your ability._

_Q_

_P.S I love you_

Folding the page, Quentin looked at the stack of letters he had written. Unlike the letter to his dad, or to the group as a whole, he didn’t want his letters to Eliot to just be found sitting out. Reflexively, his fingers started moving through tuts for a spell, pausing as he remembered that the loss of magic is what he was doing this all for anyway. But there had to be some benefits to being the childhood best friend of a goddess, so he closed his eyes and thought a prayer to Our Lady of the Trees. When Quentin opened his eyes again, the letters were gone and he left to join his friends for his last quest.

-

24 hours after the journey to Blackspire, in the place where enchanted things go while waiting for destination, a letter twitches. As neither sender nor recipient existed, it settled back on top of it’s stack and continued to wait.

-

Nigel is found by a knight with fire in her eyes, then Eliot becomes the shell worn by a monster. The letter shifts slightly, but remains on the stack.

-

A spell is broken, Brian becomes Quentin Coldwater once more. One day later, the letter moves. It doesn’t leave the enchanted space, it isn’t time, but more of the pieces are ready.

-

Eliot had been in the Brakebills infirmary, drifting in and out of consciousness as Professor Lipson used both her medical knowledge and what little healing magic she could with the ambient available. Margo left his side only briefly, whenever bodily needs won out over her determination to grip his hand and never let go. Over a day after his arrival in the infirmary, a letter landed on Eliot’s face. He didn’t stir, and Margo discovered it there when she returned from the restroom. She lifted it gently, not wanting to disturb him, her breath catching when she recognised Quentin’s handwriting. Margo unfolded the paper, reading quickly, grief and anger colliding inside her and bubbling out. 

“That little fucker! Fuck him. I am going to bring him back just so I get to kill him. Fucking Coldwater doesn’t get to do this and not be here so I can kick his ass.”

“Did you have a fight, and kick our Q out Bambi?” His voice was weak, but the teasing tone was so very Eliot.

Margo had been pacing out her fury, but hearing Eliot had her darting back to his side.

“Is it that bad?” Eliot tried to lift his arm to his wound, wincing at the effort. “I haven’t seen that look in your eyes before.”

“Baby… I.” 

Seriously, Margo. How close to death was I?

She flinched at the mention of death and Eliot feels it in his soul. _Margo doesn’t flinch._ _Something had to be very, very Wrong._

The door to the room swung open and Julia, with her arms full of food and coffee, walked in. Alice followed closely behind, near clinging to her like a lost, scared, little kitten, her gaze never leaving the floor.   
  
“Eliot! You’re awake!” Julia said, passing a coffee to Margo. “Margo has barely left the room and I thought she’d be getting hungry. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to eat any of this… I can take it away?”  
  
“My hospital room is your hospital room, you look prepared for quite the picnic.” He tried very hard to seem aloof, but groaned as he lifted his hand to wave dismissively as Julia placed her bags on the floor.

Alice glanced up from behind Julia’s shoulder, meeting Eliot’s eyes briefly, her face filled with pain. 

“Actually, Julia. I need to talk to you really quickly, outside.” She took the other woman by the arm and led her from the room.

“Do you know anything about this? Did he really write a fucking _suicide note_ to Eliot, before all of yesterday’s bullshit?”

“He did what?! No I don’t -” She frowned at the piece of paper Margo was waving in front of her. “Wait. I do know that.”

“You what? Why didn’t you stop him!”

Julia took the letter from Margo’s hand. “He wrote this before Blackspire. Quentin prayed to me, to take the letters. He wanted them to show up at different intervals… _after he was gone._ Fuck.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I had completely forgotten. His prayer was something like ‘Our Lady of the Trees, please take these letters and make sure they get to Eliot when I’m gone, after the duration I have written.’ It was such a simple thing, so I did it.”

“And now he’s gone, not in the way he meant, but he’s gone… The letters will keep coming won’t they?” Margo knew the answer.

Julia nodded and linked her arm around Margo’s, drawing her back towards the room. “Does he know?” She whispered as they pushed through the door, finding Alice curled in the chair next to Eliot, both of their faces red and wet from tears. Julia shared a look with Margo, knowing that he definitely knew now.

“El… I’m so sorry. I know how close you both were.”  
  
“No.” Eliot whispered.

“El, honey…”

“No.” He said it more firmly this time. “No, he can’t be dead. No, you can’t know. You can’t know, because I wouldn’t even admit it to myself. I was going to…”

Margo gave a pointed look to Julia, who bundled some of the food and Alice’s entire being under her arm before quietly leaving the room. She drew Eliot as close as she could without causing him pain.

“Bambi…” He all but whined the pet name through his tears. “Q was supposed to be here so I could tell him that I chose him.”

“El, there’s something… Quentin wrote some letters to you when he thought he was going to be staying in Blackspire. With the way things played out, the first one reads … it’s hard to read. There are more coming though. I don’t know when, but you’ll be getting more letters from him.”

“Hard to read?”  
  
“I thought it was his suicide note. That’s why I was so angry.”

“Give it to me, please”

-

_Eliot_

_When you read this, I will have been gone for a day. Considering the amount of time we’ve spent apart, 24 hours doesn’t seem so long, but knowing that I’ll never see you again… it breaks my heart. I can’t help but wonder if this is how you felt when you knew we were leaving you in Fillory. But while you couldn’t be sure if you’d ever see us again, I know that I won’t be able to see you._

_I’ll miss you. I’ll miss everyone, but especially you. I know that you are against this and I wish that I didn’t have to… Even when we’re not ‘together’, being around you is better than the alternative._

_I have time to write a few more of these, so I’ll space my feelings out a bit. I know you get overwhelmed by them sometimes. I want you to know that no matter what, I care for you._

_Q_

_P.S. I love you_


End file.
